Quick update

Dear Melbourne,

Paris is really rad.

Im having a fabulous time and never want to leave (well not for a long while anyway).

It's really exciting to catch up with all of my old friends and not to forget the new ones too.

This city is definitely more than its cracked up to be. Although I havent found the love of my life yet (dont they say Paris is the city of love?) I'm sure that my night in shining armour is just around the corner.

Anyway, I hope you get this postcard soon because I heard the posties are on strike.

I dont really miss you at all Melbourne, apart from Starbucks, Lentil and the frozen yoghurt exotic fruit whips. Oh and 7/11 for late night/early morn ciggie fixes.

Lots of love and best wishes for the new year,

Gertrude x

long walk on a rainy day with a broken camera phone

PIXAR IN THE 1980's

1994 called, it wants it's babysitter back

 

This is totally unsettling...

soz chastity you looked waaaaaaaaaaaay better before...

 

Vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti

Spending the whole night youtoobing Eminem oldies and Beyonce newbies is bloody fabulous.With the exception of Dido's appearance. Beyonce I really really love you, i think you're amazing, bootylicious and super talented. I also think you and Jay-Z are a match made in heaven. Eminem, you WERE amazing, you gotta prove yaself to me once again.
P.S. Has anyone ever eaten Urban Burger? oooooooooooooooooooooohhhh.

Worth going to Footscary? yes.

ob-sessed wiv diss song

Dear Santa,

Last year me and my immediate family spent christmas lunch with Lucky Diamond Rich, Guinness book of World Records' most tattooed man in the world and an old friend of my Dads. I shit you not. The one and only part of this mans body that isn't decorated with ink is the soul of just one big toe. Totally-fucking-epic. He's also just a really cool dude, chilled as cucumber. So dear Santa, all i want for christmas is a repeat of this event or something equally as cool and interesting.

-Eug.

"My name isn't Jesus"

"Kenny, I know you're about fifty pounds overweight, but when i say "move it" please interpret that as move-your-fat-tub-of-lard-ass-NOW!"

NOT-IMPRESSED

I'm pretty sure this is bad enough to be sent to jail... I don't care how high you are, that shit aint right.

i die

Note to self:

NEVER tell anyone they look like Kelly Osbourne ...especially if they actually do.

-Eug

BOO YOU

Some things that irk (sp?) maybe erk..me...
Eggs: Theyre a traditional breakfast menu fixture, but theyre weird. Sometimes I think I feel like them, but then i eat them and I feel like vomming. Cause I think about them, and its lyyyyke a baby feotus chicky in a gel like sack that you crack open into a pan and it sizzles and then you just wait til the bottom goes brown (or you flip em, you know sunny side up) and serve em up on a plate,, bit o' pepper, bit o' salt, wam bam thankyou mam, breakfast is served.. Course that dont count for poached or scrambled or even baked.
basically theyre fucking weird and i dont think ill ever get used to them.
And then there's COTTAGE CHEESE: When i was alll 'yeah im on a jenny craig diet im gonna be lyyykeee heapz ano' i would buy cottage cheese cos jenny craig says its good for losing weight, mad flava low fat, but really, when youve been reading all your life in dolly doctor that girls get discharge thats got a cottage cheese like consistency then its obviously thrush, welllll then you get turned off whenever you rip open the seal to spread it on your low fat low carb mountain bread pita.
EVERYTHINGS GOOD IN HINESIGHT> why do cunts have to associate every gross human body function with food.
Foods's rad, std's arent.
fuck yew dolly doctor.
fuck yew mens gallery for not paying me at 8pm oon the dot like per usual and resulting in me not have more than a dollar in my account for the last 4 days.
fuck yew the fact that i should have done my assignment tonight but instead downed much too much wine.
lyfe is swell when you cant spell.
LOVE GERTIE TOO RUDE.

balls to you Yarra Trams.

Trams are fucking ghey. Being from Paris (aka Perth) I was originally like "cool im on a tram wow" but eight months and three $167 tram fines later I've developed a pretty serious hatred for trams, tram guards and everything tram related. tram tram tram. Maybe if i say the word enough times it will lose all its meaning. Maybe if tram tickets didn't cost $3.70 for two-hours i would actually buy them instead of sitting at the very back with my head out the window on the look out for guards. No offense to anyone whose dad is a tram guard or whatever, but it has to be said, that becoming a tram guard means that you are going to hell.

-Eug

wigs and wheelchairs

rooftops, sick bitches

It's summer!

  

totally acceptable

Gert is a sick bitch haters suck ballz. haters-suck-BALLZ.

narcissistic radness. heaps tuff. haters get fucked.

-Eug.

"You're turn miss Hilton" 18+

Fan-fiction is so-good. After coming across this epic story on www.celebfanforum.com I've been heavily considering giving up on living a normal life as a fully functioning person and moving back in with my parents and just writing stories based on the lives of my favorite celebrities and submitting them to rully cool sites like this and sharing them with the world. The story below was no doubt written by a fat sweaty thirty year old man with a rape fetish who lives with his grandparents.

You can find the whole story here:  http://www.celebfanforum.com/showthread.php?t=5824

but let's have a sneaky peak:

"I hate you Lindsay."

"Don't be so dramatic Paris one night in jail shouldn't kill you."

"Not if I kill you first."

Paris advanced towards Lindsay but was interrupted.

"First of all if anyone is killing in here it's me."

A third person in the cell stepped forward. She was dressed in
tight blues jeans a white tank stopped which displayed prominent nipples
and a leather jacket. The petite blonde pushed Paris back and laughed at
how easily she moved.

"My name is Trina, and you'll do as I say unless you want to get
hurt. You may be somebody out there but in here you are nobody. Both of
you are scum in here. Nothing more then fresh meat, now sit down and shut
up, you too Pippy not one word."

(i repeat "My name is Trina")

Trina turned and looked out into the hall way. The area was empty
so she decided to make a move.

"Ok pretty it's time to have some fun. Kiss shorty and show me some
tongue."

Both seemed appaulled at this thought and shot each other dirty
looks. Paris voiced there objection.

"No fucking way, she's nothing more than a dirty street rat."

"Do it before I hurt you."

Paris realized she had no option so she reluctantly leaned in and
kissed Lindsay. The pair tied tongues until Lindsay bit Paris's.

Trina walked over to Lindsay and slapped her across the head.

"Not cute red, now I am going to hurt you. Stand up."

Lindsay stood reluctantly, afraid of what would happen if she
didn't.

"Hike up your skirt and turn around."

Lindsay turned and Paris pulled her skirt up, and gave her bare ass
a little smack. Trina smiled and took off her belt.

"This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you."

Lindsay let out a loud cry as the belt made impact with her ass.
Paris smiled as her former friend whined in pain. This sight was like a
dream to her. Lindsay was finally getting what she deserved. After ten
solid strikes Trina stopped. She pushed Lindsay back on the bench and she
let out a loud whimper when she hit.

"Your turn Ms. Hilton"

Paris stayed where she was and Trina had no choice but to grab her.
The fact that Trina was 5 inches shorter than Paris didn't seemed to make.
Because Paris was so frail she moved easily.

"Let me go you crazy bitch."

"I'll show you crazy."

Trina ripped off Paris's dress and forced her to the floor. The
sight of Paris naked drove Trina wild. Her breasts were so small that
Trina had no trouble cupping them in her hands and squeezing her perky
nipples. Trina pounced and dove in going down on Paris while Lindsay
watched. Lindsay retreated slightly fearing that Trina may come at her
next.

"Please stop. I..."

Paris tried to force Trina off her but she wasn't strong enough.
She looked around the jail trying to find help and was surprised to see
Lindsay playing with herself. Her hands were rapidly rubbed her cunt in
rhythm with Paris's moaning. This sight distracted her from what Trina was
doing and she found herself enjoying what was happening. Paris squirmed
from the sensation Trina's nose ring caused when it brushed against her
cunt. Trina was amused by how wet she was and even took a whiff of her
panties before she removed them.

"Smells like heaven. That's a good little pitch. Cum for me."

Lindsay was caught up in the moment and realized she needed a
release. The sensation her fingers caused pushed her to a new level of
pleasure. Trina smiled when she saw Lindsay fingering herself and pulling
at her halter top so she could play with her nipples. The nights
festivities had awaken desires which had been buried. For quite some time,
Lindsay had been attracted to Paris. This presented a problem and Lindsay
felt it necessary to distance herself.

That occurred six months ago and now here she was fucking herself in
front of Paris who was being screwed by a lesbian biker chick. The present
situation seemed like something out of a dream.

Lindsay awoke from her daze to see Paris arch her back and let out a
tremendous scream as she reached orgasm. Her legs tensed up around Trina
who didn't seem to mind. Trina kept up her efforts until she reached her
own climax. She held her head in place for a moment than gave Paris's
inner thigh a peck before she stood up.

"Alright your turn LL. Get over her and eat me."

Trina stood and removed her jeans and underwear. Lindsay froze
until Paris grabbed her and threw her towards Trina.

"Hurry up I'm still horny."

(and then everything from this point onwards is just gravy)

Trina forced Lindsay to her knees then placed her head between her
legs. Lindsay stopped for a second and smelled her crotch. The smell was
pleasing to her and she dove in. Paris remained on the ground and leaned
against the wall. She watched Lindsay work over Trina wished she was
Trina. She let out a laugh when Lindsay grabbed a hold of Trina's ass.

"Hey watch it, my ass is very sensitive."

In response Lindsey grabbed a hold of Trina's pussy lips. Her knees
buckled slightly and grabbed a hold of Lindsay's hair to keep her balance.

There are so many things in the world i don't understand, i guess i've got a lot of growing up to do.

-Eug

daddy issues

See here's Jim with the family he chose to not throw out (...im assuming the dog died):

 

and here is the illegitimate bastard child who was kicked to the curb and financially cut off:

I found this poor soul a few days ago in Fitzroy Centrelink, I took his picture in exchange for $2. He told me he considered himself "like a less glamorous version of Anastasia" then after a lengthy awkward silence he began to cry.

-Eug

...that didn't happen

 

Obsessed.

Steampunk interiors, vintage surgical, apothecary and morbid anatomy. I'm in love. (Eug, you know how I feel about this.)

Dear Dolly-Doctor,

I have these big dark purple marks in my knee pits, and every time i look at them i want to vomit... It's too hot to wear long pants so i have to expose my ex-matic knee pits to the general public and I'm worried I'm making other innocent people want to vomit too. What if my crush walks up behind me and sees? that would be so embarrassment. Is this normal?

-anon

soon to be available on ebay

 

bummer

I have contradicted myself. In one post i refer to Nicola Formichetti as "rad" and have nothing but praise for him and his work, while in a post on Lady Gaga i unwittingly referred to him as "a retarded four year old stylist who stupid people confuse as a fashion visionary". I did not realize he was styling for Gaga, and was responsible for the absolute abortion of an image she promotes. I have just one thing to say; Nicola, you are dead to me. I feel upset, offended and betrayed.

*spits*

-Eug

ok lets have fun